The Unconventional 12 Days of Christmas: From Alien Life to Lizard Overlords, What Awaits in 2024?

The festive period spanning the 12 days after Christmas, often referred to as Twelvetide, encapsulates the whimsical days of drummers drumming and maids a-milking (with actual cows, not almonds).

However, a spirited debate ensues about the kickoff of Twelvetide, with some staunchly advocating for Christmas Day (Dec. 25), while others place their bets on Dec. 26.

Those who champion the latter date culminate their countdown on Jan. 6, marking the traditional Christian feast day of Epiphany. This day serves as the endpoint for the festive revelries, steering clear of incurring a year-long spell of misfortune.

In the annals of history, dating back to 567 AD, an individual saw fit to formally designate this 12-day period as a sanctioned season of celebration.

Though the origins of the famed song remain shrouded in mystery, its publication around 1780 hints at a much older lineage, potentially stretching across centuries.

WHile partridges in pear trees might have been commonplace back then, the government in 2023 isn't doling out such avian gifts.

Let's take a glimpse into what this year might deliver, dependent on whether we've stayed on the nice or naughty list (best sung to the merry tune of the 12 days of Christmas, if your festive spirit permits).

Day 1
Our government's gift for the first day of Christmas: another conspiracy theory.

Playing truth or dare with our minds, officials have been brandishing conspiracy theories like a bingo card. Their latest reveal? Alien life.

We've long pondered the existance of extraterrestrial beings, entertaining the whimsy of E.T. sipping space tea somewhere out there. But with the official nod from the suits, the revelation feels surreal. Did we really want this truth?

Now, grappling with the possibility of cosmic cruisers, it's no longer just a late-night sci-fi fantasy. Government, you've truly blown our minds.

Day 2
Day two brings us two potential new wars.

Spin the war roulette wheel-- will it be Iran? Azerbaijan? Or perhaps a skirmish against those alleged reptilian beings from Kepler 186f?

 

Day 3
The third day unwraps three cyber attacks.

In an increasingly digital landscape, the ominous prophecies of cyber attacks loom large. Brace yourselves for a turbulent ride in the digital neighborhood.

Day 4
On the fourth day, the government delivers four Trump indictments.

With Donald Trump facing a flurry of legal battles-- four felony counts in D.C., 13 in Georgia, a hefty 34 in New York, and a solid 40 in Florida-- this legal rollercoaster promises high stakes and fervent hopes for a favorable conclusion.

Day 5
The government's fifth-day offering: 5G towers.

The advent of the 5G network sparks speculations ranging from mind control conspiracies to health and environmental risks, alleging harmful radiation emissions that may lead to illnesses like cancer.

Day 6
Day six introduces 6,000 new genders.

In 2023, the recognition of genders spans a spectrum, with infinite possibilities, reaching a count of 107 according to Sexualdiversity.org.

Day 7
Seven continents a-boiling-- a vivid phrase coined by UN Secretary-General António Guterres to depict the escalating global climate crisis, which saw even private jets snowed in during Cop28.

Day 8
The eighth day entails eight visits by VOlodymyr Zelenskyy, the Ukrainian President, who's been a frequent flyer, marking his third visit to Washington amid numerous trips to 36 countries worldwide.

Day 9
Nine nurses dancing-- a lighthearted attempt by some medical professionals to embrace influencer status through TikTok dance-offs, though the shortage of top-notch nurses remains a pressing concern.

Day 10
Day ten brings us ten COVID variants, with the Omicron variant spawning over 650 sub-lineages and adopting names like Kraken and basilisk, teasing the potential for future marketing opportunities in nomenclature.

Day 11
Eleven lizard overlords-- a nod to conspiracy theories suggesting clandestine reptilian beings manipulating human affairs from positions of power, drawing from ancient texts and myths.

Day 12
FInally, on the twelfth day, we receive 12 instances of chemtrails spraying, a controversial topic encompassing theories about government-controlled releases of chemicals purportedly altering weather patterns or exerting mind control.

As Christmas dawns upon us, Merry Christmas to all!

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