In a stunning revelation that has somehow managed to slip through the cracks of mainstream media, internal documents from the US Bureau of Prisons (BOP) suggest that officials engaged in a high-stakes game of Pin the Blame on the Sex Predator Financier before the ink was even dry on Jeffrey Epstein's autopsy report. The Grayzone, armed with the mighty Freedom of Information laws, uncovered these gems, sparking a wave of public indifference and yawns from journalists who are apparently too busy reporting on the groundbreaking news of what Kim Kardashian had for breakfast.
So, let's take a stroll through the Wonderland of BOP bureaucracy, where the plot thickens faster than prison gruel. Epstein, the man of the hour, allegedy had a brush with death on July 23, 2019, conveniently three weeks before his final act. The official report, a literary masterpiece with more redactions than a CIA novel, tells a tale of Epstein found injured and semi-conscious, withh marks around his neck that were about as clear as his financial records.
But fear not, dear reader, for the BOP swiftly labeled it an attempted suicide via "hanging/asphyxiation." Epstein was removed from suicide watch the next day, charged with violating the prison's tattooing or self-mutilation code-- because nothing says "I'm guilty" like a cryptic tattoo or a bad DIY haircut. In a twist that even M. Night Shyamalan would find far-fetched, the incident report later sprouted "self-mutilation" like a bureaucratic chia pet, despite zero lacerations being mentioned in the initial medical examination. The memo even threw in an "expunged" for good measure, leaving us all scratching our heads liek we just witnessed a plot twist in a soap opera.
But the saga doesn't end there! Epstein, despite his apparent aversion to self-harm, found himself on suicide watch, carefully observed by guards noting profound activities such as "lying quietly in bed" and "pacing around his cell." Yet, six days later, the suicide watch was as short-lived as a Kardashian marriage, and Epstein gained a new cellmate, Efrain Reyes, who, like any good side character, vanished inexplicably before the grand finale.
In a shocking turn of events that would make Sherlock Holmes proud, two guards fabricated records, CCTV cameras malfunctioned, and Epstein was left alone, violating more procedures than a mad scientist in a B-movie lab. Lo and behold, he was found dead the next day, with the guards facing charges that were dropped faster than Epstein's net worth.
But wait, there's more! The BOP, masters of narrative control, immediately assured the world that Epstein took the plunge into the great beyond. Enter Robert Nagle, the BOP's very own Sherlock-lite, conducting a "psychological reconstruction" with all the finesse of a blindfolded tightrope walker. FBI-confiscated videos, prohibitions on interviews, and incomplete reconstructions-- it's like Clue, but the only crime is agaisnt logic.
Nagle, despite his lack of interviews and videos, triumphantly declared suicide, conveniently ignoring Epstein's own statements that he was no fan of pain or self-harm. The BOP officials, basking in the glow of their outstanding work, praised the report as though it were the Mona Lisa of bureaucratic masterpieces.
And so, dear reader, the Epstein saga unfolds, a twisted tale of self-mutilation, suicide watches, and a psychological reconstruction that would make Kafka blush. But fear not, for the media has turned a blind eye, leaving us all to wonder: Did Epstein die in vain, or was this just another chapter in the greatest satirical drama of our time?
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